Getting Ready

You start thinking about the things you are going to miss out on; the blue skies, stars at night, butterflies, the first fire flies of summer, sounds of laughing and the water from the fountain in the pond. My younger son who wants to learn how to drive and him is yearning to date. Son graduating from high school, and college, then opens up his own automotive shop to work on cars. My son settling down getting married and having children. My older son has finished high school but is two years from graduating from college. To see him start his new job, and then find a house to live in; to see him married and having plenty of children. Then me missing out on my sons beautiful weddings with all the fuss and beautiful grand kids to play with and spoil. Watching the final games on TV with Mike, be it basketball, football or soccer. Sitting and having good conversation with one another over a cup of fresh brewed tea. Not able to take any more trips with my husband. We love to travel; we have been to several places I really wanted to see. I really get short of breathe and tired, but I take my time. I put it all too mid-life aging, it wasn't. We have been talking about retiring in an exciting place, I like the Mediterranean area. Leaving behind the people that you love very much and they love you.
My husband who is my best friend, listener, lover, always there for me, to say I might die from this, was the hardest thing I had to do in my life. I really hated it, put it of, but I had to tell him. He was alone it was very late at night; he could have fainted, or had a heart attack. I prayed about how to tell him. Just as hard for me to tell my sons. He said Mom you are going to be fine. I just know it. My sons are so young and full of life. I really could not tell my older son at the time, just couldn't. He was away at college in Boston. Mike wanted to tell him, I said no. He doesn't need this extra worry at this time. At the time of my surgery, he was studying for finals. He found out after my surgery was finished and his finals were done. He was so angry about that, but I did not want me to get in the way of his exams. I did not want him to have the added pressure of having to take his exams at a different time. I did not want him to worry about me at that time. There would be plenty of time for that after he was finished. He came home after the exams to help out. He also said mom you are going to be fine.
We all have some belief of a power greater then ours, Faith. We never really grasp it meaning, until we are faced with trouble, sickness or death. I reached out for more comfort, in those two weeks before my first surgery. I started reading the Q'uran, praying and believing that I would be all right. A lot of people prayed for me from all over the USA and over seas. I always believed in God from when I was younger and prayed. I am not going to die, not yet. After much soul searching and praying, I made peace with myself. I placed my life into the hands of God.