Finding Out

I went to see my doctor when I thought I had bronchitis, it seems so long ago now at the end of Feb 2005. I had an x-ray done to see if I did have bronchitis. The doctor’s office called and said we need you to do another x-ray. Why I asked, something looks suspicious. You have water in your abdomen. You know that water in the abdomen is not good. The doctor orders CT Scans first your chest, then another your abdomen, then the last your pelvis. Your body takes over for you. You really can't concentrate on anything. This just isn't happening to me. You start to search for answers on the Internet. What are the cause’s ascites; the four causes are Heart problems, kidney problems, infection, or cancer. You hope the cause is one of the first three. Then the final "What did I do to get this?" and "Why?" On April 4 2005 you hear the doctor say" You have Ovarian Cancer Stage 4." Your brain turns off and keeps repeating "Cancer" over an over I hear nothing else he is saying to me. I cried in his office, did a lot of crying those two weeks, everything is a blur. My doctor is in Family practice, not a specialist. I really need a specialist. Mike was not home, he was away on business overseas. I needed time to think, Mike needed time to come home. I did talk with him on the 4th; it was so hard to tell him when he was overseas. He was so far away. It seemed like a million miles. What a shock that had to be to him, when I called and said I'm sick and they think I might have cancer, Ovarian Cancer. I could hear it in his voice, the despair and disbelief. So much to do in so little time. How I dreaded calling him and saying "I have to have surgery. I have cancer of the ovary." The dreaded word we all hate and fear to hear, Cancer, but stage 4, the worst possible stage to have. They would do surgery to take what they could, then maybe I would have chemo or radiation, or both, but at what cost to quality of life. I don't want to be a burden on any one. Will have to see if it metastasizes anywhere else. If it did I don't think I will do anything more then surgery and maybe some chemo. Stage 4 not much they can do, not much hope, mostly palliative, to do what they can to make you comfortable. Working as a nurse long ago has blessings and curses. Ironic when I did work, I was on a floor that took care of people with Lung breathing problems, Brain Cancer, Lung Cancer and some Breast cancer. When I worked overseas I worked with all kinds of Cancer, some I had never seen at all here in the U.S. Then all the questions of why me? How do I tell them? Do I call my family up north or wait? How can I do that? Am I going to die? And finally, am I ready to die? So many questions, some without answers keep swirling in your mind like a tornado. You try to sleep and questions are still there, your body goes on automatic, like you’re in a dream and you will wake up and this won't be happening to you.