Understading Our Self and Limits

People differ greatly in the amount of anxiety and worry they can stand: some can endure a great deal without being adversely affected, while others soon show signs of strain. You should observe yourself closely, so that you understand your own powers of endurance. By this means you will learn to divest yourself before any harm is done.
Razi: Kitab al-Muluki

Some of us can endure more than others, with pain, stress, anger, or grief; we each know our limits that we can tolerate before we give in. We all try our best not to show those we love that we are in pain or are suffering. We try to be strong and do it on our own, without asking for help when we really need it then. Some of us are too proud or don’t want you to see them at their weakest moment in time. They want you to see them as strong that they still can do it all, when in reality you can’t do what you once did. We have to accept our failures in that we will be strong again to accept help when they offer, without being offended or having feelings of being inept. We have to know our limits and accept them all.

TRAVELING

With our economy in dire straits now I know that some will not be able to travel far, but if it is something that you had wanted to do go for it, who knows what tomorrow will bring.
When we went to San Diego between surgeries, it was the best that my husband could have done for me. To relax and enjoy the fantastic view from the pool area of the mountains that surrounded the hotel was uplifting mentality, physically, and spirituality and that helped me prepare for the second surgery.
Before we go anywhere, be it in the US or over seas, I call the doctors office to tell them we where going away and that I need records of what was done to me. They sent me copies of Doctors statement of what was done and how I am right now, latest blood work, copies of the reports of ct scans and x-rays. I also made a sheet that have all my doctors listed with phone numbers, list of medications that I am taking or had taken but not longer like the heated chemotherapy, vaccinations, and allergies, that I have no spleen and list the operations that I had done from newest to oldest.
If something happens, then I am ready, I travel to enjoy life to the fullest but you also have to consider all possibilities that could happen and be prepared the best you can.

Last Thought for the Day

Most women are often misdiagnosed with Ovarian Cancer when in fact they have some form of PMP. If you do have surgery and they find PMP and want to start chemotherapy ask for a second opinion first.
The chemotherapy makes it harder to do some surgeries if it is PMP of any form. Radiation therapy does not work on PMP, doesn’t do anything to it. PMP is mucus looks like amber colored Jello, not solid. The color for the ribbons of PMP or Cancer of Appendix if we would make them is amber. Really make some time some time to do research or if you can‘t fathom it right now have someone else do it. If you truly think about it, you really need to have a second, third or even fourth opinion. Make sure you take or send all your work up papers with you, x-rays, ct scans, all blood work that was done, tissue samples or slides, pathology reports etc. Most doctors will send them for you or have them ready for you to take. Start you own file, some people get the x-rays or scans originals or copies, some doctors do them on CDs now ask them for your preferred way. I received all the copies of the final reports, path, surgery, x-rays, ct scans, blood etc and put them in a three ring binder, which is getting loaded and have to buy another soon. Take someone with you; some times you don’t hear everything said because you are focusing on what he just said so much information in a short amount of time at his office.
Visit the PMP Information Site, the doctors who specialize in PMP are listed there and there is a wealth of information that is there and added to regularly. If you want you can email me, just hit the link and post.

Giving Thanks

Thank God for Mike and my sons. How he hates the hospital he was with me every day, as much as he could. He and Sam would take turns staying the night for the second surgery. Mike was with me most of the time for the surgeries, but I could see how it was affecting him. He looked tired, worried, but he never said he was. He kept saying you are going to be all right. He was my strength and my rock through all of this. I remember my appetite was lousy and I got hungry for a strawberry milkshake from Cook Outs and a slice of New York pizza. He went and got them for me with the doctor’s ok. Doctor said anything that would help me eat and help start moving the bowels would be all right. Cookout and New York Pizza are on opposite sides of the city, but he went for me. I will never forget what all he had done for me. Mike did everything for me, encouraging me to eat, encouraging me to walk, helping me with everything and then he did all the things I used to do in the house. He cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, run the sweeper everything. I am blessed to have him as my husband, friend and lover. My boys really did the best they could, they also hate hospitals I am proud of them for helping their dad out when he needed them the most. They are the future; they gave me a different source of strength and courage to fight on just by looking at them and seeing the future in their eyes.
To the question of "Why Me?"..."Why not?" God will not give me more then I can handle and with Him I can handle what is given. It took some time to really understand that, but I know now that I can handle what is given to me. I did not say that it would be easy, sometimes it might be but this time it was hard ...to really face death and to come to terms with it, accept it and say ... I am ready to die. You never know what the outcome will be when you go to surgery. You expect to come out, but some don't. Never under estimate the power of prayer, so many people prayed for me and I am thankful they did.
Really how do we know where we will be in 5, 10 or 20 years? God willing I will be around to make it for 10 years after surgery. I will be 62 years old...oh my I will be getting old. Lol :) I did have my doctor from Duke University and the other from Wake Forest Medical Center. I had the best with out even realizing it at the time. Prayer does wonders. I could not have survived with out faith in God and know that there is a plan for me; it might not be the one I had in mind, but his.

Catching Up

It will be 3 years in August 2008, since I had the 2nd surgery and heated chemotherapy I feel great. My C.T. Scans, X-Rays and blood work have been normal. I have appointments every 6 months... March and September.
My eldest graduated from Northeastern University in May 2008. I am so proud of him. He took off 6 months of school to come home and help out I am so grateful for that. Now sometime this year he will be moving to New York, a little closer to home, to start his journey of life. I really found out that I love Boston it is a beautiful city to explore and visit. Now I get to discover a brand new city to me... in the New York City Washington Heights area. His girl friend goes to Columbia University and they will be getting an apartment near by. He will also try get a job close by but he might have to travel some depends on where the job is located in the city. My other son is now a senior in high school. He is driving and still wants to work on cars. So we will be here in Greensboro for at least 4-5 years. Then we will be off to some other place to live for awhile then who knows.

2nd Recovery

Most of 2005 I don't remember, parts of 2006 and 2007. Fell 3 times when I had gotten home chalked it up to a new learning experience, on what not to do with my weak knee. Took time with my walking at first, always looking down to see where I was going and to make sure I would not fall. I know I was sick and some of my pictures I look like death warmed over, but I survived. Having 2 surgeries within 4 months of each other took a toll on my body and strength; I was overweight to begin with I had lost some weight. Really my appetite disappeared until Jan 2006 then it came back, gained the weight I had lost due to surgery and chemo. I slept most of 2005 away, tired, no appetite, but slowly I came back. I slept downstairs on an inflatable bed for the first surgery it was 2 months or longer. I couldn't go up the stairs in the house. We have 15 steps going up to the second level I still remember the first time I did that took each step one at a time using my right leg first. It took me a while to go upstairs then I lay down on the bed, which felt so good I went to sleep for an half an hour. When I got up I went an took a shower, the slowest one I ever had, then laid back down on the bed and went to sleep for another half an hour. With my left knee weak, I still had to exercise it I would do them on the bed laying down or while sitting in the chair. Could not stand long enough to cook dinner, do the dishes, do laundry, run the sweeper, dust or anything. We did go to San Diego for a short vacation in July 2005 before the second surgery. It was nice to relax beside the pool. Just started to recover then I had the other surgery 4 months after the first. The 2nd surgery I felt better quicker but still had difficulty doing things around the house. Company came for a week. Mike was away on business he had to go and finish the job he had started. Really depended upon my 2 sons then planned for company to be there for the weekend, but found out it was for a week. That really took a lot of energy out of me then to try and be pleasant is hard when you really don’t feel well. Sons did the cleaning and cooking as much as possible. So it was hard, I still slept a lot, and was dizzy; realized that it was from the medications needed to take pills with food. That was then and things have gotten much better. It took me a year and half to fully recover from the surgeries. They say you need I month of full recovery for each hour you are under anesthesia. I still have problems get short of breathe and tired when doing too much. Asthma only smoked all together 1 packs of cigarettes in my whole life if. My dad did smoke up to 4 packs a day when he stopped I lived at home until I was 24and both brothers smoked. When I started working there was only 3 of us who did not smoke .There are now plenty studies out now about the effects of second hand smoke… causes asthma. Get tired spells, just takes me over and have to sleep. Will be getting that checked out.

Check Up

4 weeks later went back for a check up in September 2005. CT Scans of chest, abdomen and pelvis, x-rays of chest PA and LAT, blood work where all done again. It was real scary; I knew if my blood work levels did not drop...he did not get it all. I was nervous, anxious, upset felt like I wanted to throw up and still get that way when I go for a check up. What if something showed up on the ct scan or x-ray? What if the blood work was off? I was sure before we arrived that it was gone, but waiting in the doctor's exam room for him to come in is an eternity. Questions go running through your mind again and again silently, even if you feel everything is all right. He came in examined me. Helped me up and said "You made our office proud. I see no evidence of growth of tumor or mucus any where. Blood levels dropped." I was so happy I hugged him. Then we said thank you very much Mike was with me. I was so happy and thanking God as we were walking down the corridor to the parking garage. I was smiling from ear to ear.